Of late I've been feeling like I am on a permanent..well trip..but not a good one...everything is too loud, too much too fast..and I am just perpetually reminded of the lines in some random poem that I learnt while I was in a convent ( for a short time, but that's a whole other story); 'No time to stand and stare'.
I know my twenties are meant to be lived at full throttle, burning the candle at both ends so as to say, but I perhaps maybe have been born already 10, so that makes me 30 now...I wish that I could actually 'see' the life around me instead of just 'looking' at it. Of late, I always seem to be on the run, making lists of things to do, that makes me feel like the manager of my own life rather than its main protagonist. Pay bills, check, buy vegetables, check.
I wish for a day where I could wake up and have nothing 'urgent' or 'necessary' to do. I want to wander aimlessly, untouched by time and its passing. I want to compose my life, remove elements unnecessary from it, like essential phonecalls at inconvenient times that prevent a beautiful moment from flowering into what it could have been. I want conversations to rise into the air, words float around above my head, rise into the sky, and come back down when the time is right. I want to exhale as I feel the silence around me, I want to find a moment to finally open my journal and write write not what I know but what I feel. I want to skip through it's pages at whim, and colour in here and there...
But maybe it's because I want so much, that I never really do, because I spend too much time thinking about it. But really how can you think on your life, when you are smack dab in the middle of it? But if you aren't there, what do you really have to think about?